It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, cybertuffy, woke up in a dark forest. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling somewhat hung-over, cybertuffy popped another top, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he realized that his beloved Doggie Treats was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Killer. Cybertuffy had known Killer for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were strange and exicitiing ones. Killer was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... oafish. cybertuffy called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Killer picked up the phone, to a very ecstatic cybertuffy. Killer calmly assured him that most legless puppies turn red before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually flamboyantly yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Cybertuffy. Why was Killer trying to distract cybertuffy? Because he had snuck out from cybertuffy's with the Doggie Treats only three days prior. They were tangy & saucy little Doggie Treats... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before cybertuffy got back to the subject at hand: his Doggie Treats. Killer sneezed. Relunctantly, Killer invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Doggie Treats. cybertuffy grabbed his Dog Sled and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Killer realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Doggie Treats and he had to do it carefully. He figured that if cybertuffy took the tricycle, he had take at least ten minutes before cybertuffy would get there. But if he took the Dog Sled? Then Killer would be (how you say) screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Killer was interrupted by seven croaking Frogs that were lured by his Doggie Treats. Killer cringed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he skillfully reached for his ripened avocados and aptly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the oakford pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Dog Sled rolling up. It was cybertuffy.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, cybertuffy was out of the Dog Sled and went qertilly jaunting toward Killer's front door. Meanwhile inside, Killer was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Doggie Treats into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind his hammock. Killer was relieved but at least the Doggie Treats was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Killer scandalously purred. With a quick push, cybertuffy opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering social outcast in a spaceship,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Killer assured him. cybertuffy took a seat not to far from where Killer had hidden the Doggie Treats. Killer belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But cybertuffy was distracted. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Killer noticed a fiendish look on cybertuffy's face. cybertuffy slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Killer felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when cybertuffy asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Doggie Treats right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on cybertuffy's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. cybertuffy nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Killer could react, cybertuffy recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Doggie Treats was plainly in view.
Cybertuffy stared at Killer for what what must've been six millseconds. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Killer groped earnestly in cybertuffy's direction, clearly desperate. cybertuffy grabbed the Doggie Treats and bolted for the door. It was locked. Killer let out a EAR PIERCING SCREAM. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, cybertuffy,' he rebuked. Killer always had been a little funny-smelling, so cybertuffy knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Killer did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at him or something. Giggling like a schoolgirl, he gripped his Doggie Treats tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Killer looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' and I just varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for cybertuffy. 'Oh. You ..okay?. Killer walked over to the window and looked down. cybertuffy was gone.
----o0o----
Unbeknown to Killer, Cybertuffy was struggling to make his way through the oakford pumpkin patch behind Killer's place. Cybertuffy had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of Non-Croaking Frogs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Doggie Treats. One by one they latched on to cybertuffy. Already weakened from his injury, cybertuffy yielded to the furry of the never-ending onslaught, and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Frogs running off with his Doggie Treats.
But then God came down with His easy-going smile and restored cybertuffy's Doggie Treats. Feeling concerned, God Damned the Frogs for their injustice. Then He got in His hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle and dashed away with the fortitude of 550,000 legless puppies running from a bloated pack of albino cats. Cybertuffy flipped with joy when he saw that his beloved Doggie Treats were safe. It was a good thing, too, because in three minutes his favorite TV show, Jerry Springer, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When legless puppies meet weapon of mass destruction'). cybertuffy was relieved. And so, everyone even Killer and the gun-toting albino cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.
THE END
